If you didn’t know, I was accepted to a program called Center for Global Action (CGA)!
However, I do not want to go.
I’m asking the Lord why and He said it is good for me.
The reason why I don’t want to go is complex, but I will try to explain it the best I can.
I was terrified to just go home after the Race. After checking out the program and applying, interviewing for it, and being accepted, I’m trying to figure out why CGA?
During the interview, there was a portion where Ben said they leave me in the dark to make my own decisions about things, to see how I struggle and what I do. Take that however you want, but I took it in a very negative way. I don’t like being left in the dark or not clued into a situation. I actually started to cry during the interview. Why would I put myself in a position where I don’t know what is going on?
So I prayed about it. … A lot.
Lord said it was best for me to go.
After three weeks of being accepted, I agreed to it.
But now I’m in the in-between of emotions of going and staying.
After the race, I visited some family, came home and rested for a minute, and then headed down to Florida. The reason I went to FL is that I wanted to see my church family and explain what my next plans are and hopefully to support raise again. But the trip quickly turned into processing leaving the Keys. After I visited the house I lived in to grab my mail, I started to realize how important the Keys were to me. It was heart-wrenching to see that house becoming empty so it could go on the market.
I realized that this is the place I came to the Lord and where I also was lukewarm.
I met with people from my church family to catch up. It was beautiful to have so many conversations.
But then I had to leave again to come home.
See, when I’m home in MO, I struggle. I have no church, no community, and only two friends left here that I talk to. I do have my family which is nice.
The drive to the Keys and back is always long. Plus, when I’m driving to 17 degrees weather, it stinks more.
However, I decided to stop again at my sister’s in Springfield and see her one last time before heading off to CGA. After leaving her place I cried for 10 minutes while driving.
I hate this. I’m leaving again. I’m leaving her, my family, and the church I started to go to while here. While I like being on the move, I love having a safe spot to return to that is mine.
I’m having a very hard time being excited again for a new community and new friends. I was a little excited before heading to Florida, but now not so much. On top of that, I told the Lord if He wanted me to go, He’ll have to provide the way. If I was to stay I could try and build a community here in MO, get a job, try out churches, connect with friends I haven’t talked to in years, see my sister more, my family, look into apartments or housing options.
I am tired of not having a community.
Now as I’m packing up to head to Gainesville in obedience to the Lord against everything in my body saying don’t go, I’m going. I want a better understanding of who I am in Christ. I want MORE of what the Lord has for me, even if I don’t want to go.
This is my cry for help, asking for financial support. This is the only thing I know how to do is share my heart about the situation. Please pray about financial giving. I have the first benchmark due this Friday of $2,000 on move-in day.
I am so proud of you Jenna! I’m praying this season brings growth and more depth to your walk with the Lord. It has been amazing watching God transform you over the last year and I can’t wait to catch up with you in a few months to see what new things God is doing. Praying for you dear friend!
Thanks Alayna! It’s been wild and I can’t wait to learn more!
I am SO PROUD of you!! For stepping into the unknown, the uncomfortable and something you know will stretch you in so many ways. The Lord is going to honor your steps of faith, and I’m excited to see where He takes you!! More depth, more healing, more of Him to fall in love with.
Love you friend!!
May God bless you in all you do! At this time, I am unable financially to contribute to your mission, but I will certainly pray for you. Sometimes our mission is not to GO, but to apply your mission to where you ARE.
Oh How He Loves Us- DAVID Crowder
He is jealous for me
His loves like a hurricane
And I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight
Of his love and mercy
And all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful
You are and how
Great your affections
And oh
How He loves us so
Oh how He loves us so
And we are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption
By the faith in our lives
If his love is an ocean
We’re all sinking
And heaven meets earth
With an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently
Inside of my chest
And I don’t have time
To maintain these regrets
When I think about
The way
Yeah he loves us
Oh how he loves us
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so
Dearest Jenna,
It’s been a joy following your story and watching God put His imprint of love even more deeply onto you as a Woman of Christ. As you enter this next chapter of your story remember not everyone settles down in one place right away. Abraham is an Adam old of that and was a nomad( https://www.gotquestions.org/what-is-a-nomad.html ). I’m so be proud of how you are seeking to grow closer to Him and grow in Him! Your church community and support are many different places and your family is not just by blood by by the blood of the lamb! I love you sista! You are forever on my heart and have been in my prayers for years as my good friend and sister. To see God transform you has been beautiful and like any good book I’ve enjoyed every new chapter and can’t wait to see each new chapter. God doesn’t always promise to show us the direction right away but He shows us Hinself and says walk or be still and if you stay in Him you will always know if you are where you are supposed to be one step at a time. Let that be enough and you will enjoy the most incredible life in and for Him as you submit your comforts and plans like you are. He will take you to even more amazing places not just here on earth but more importantly showing you areas of Himself and how best to do things that please Him until He takes you to Glory. Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.”
He is the God of MORE and He has so much MORE to show you and do with you! Enjoy each step I pray as you grow and grow MORE and MORE.
Love always,
Cindy boo