If you didn’t know, I was accepted to a program called Center for Global Action (CGA)!
However, I do not want to go.
I’m asking the Lord why and He said it is good for me.
The reason why I don’t want to go is complex, but I will try to explain it the best I can.
I was terrified to just go home after the Race. After checking out the program and applying, interviewing for it, and being accepted, I’m trying to figure out why CGA?
During the interview, there was a portion where Ben said they leave me in the dark to make my own decisions about things, to see how I struggle and what I do. Take that however you want, but I took it in a very negative way. I don’t like being left in the dark or not clued into a situation. I actually started to cry during the interview. Why would I put myself in a position where I don’t know what is going on?
So I prayed about it. … A lot.
Lord said it was best for me to go.
After three weeks of being accepted, I agreed to it.
But now I’m in the in-between of emotions of going and staying.
After the race, I visited some family, came home and rested for a minute, and then headed down to Florida. The reason I went to FL is that I wanted to see my church family and explain what my next plans are and hopefully to support raise again. But the trip quickly turned into processing leaving the Keys. After I visited the house I lived in to grab my mail, I started to realize how important the Keys were to me. It was heart-wrenching to see that house becoming empty so it could go on the market.
I realized that this is the place I came to the Lord and where I also was lukewarm.
I met with people from my church family to catch up. It was beautiful to have so many conversations.
But then I had to leave again to come home.
See, when I’m home in MO, I struggle. I have no church, no community, and only two friends left here that I talk to. I do have my family which is nice.
The drive to the Keys and back is always long. Plus, when I’m driving to 17 degrees weather, it stinks more.
However, I decided to stop again at my sister’s in Springfield and see her one last time before heading off to CGA. After leaving her place I cried for 10 minutes while driving.
I hate this. I’m leaving again. I’m leaving her, my family, and the church I started to go to while here. While I like being on the move, I love having a safe spot to return to that is mine.
I’m having a very hard time being excited again for a new community and new friends. I was a little excited before heading to Florida, but now not so much. On top of that, I told the Lord if He wanted me to go, He’ll have to provide the way. If I was to stay I could try and build a community here in MO, get a job, try out churches, connect with friends I haven’t talked to in years, see my sister more, my family, look into apartments or housing options.
I am tired of not having a community.
Now as I’m packing up to head to Gainesville in obedience to the Lord against everything in my body saying don’t go, I’m going. I want a better understanding of who I am in Christ. I want MORE of what the Lord has for me, even if I don’t want to go.
This is my cry for help, asking for financial support. This is the only thing I know how to do is share my heart about the situation. Please pray about financial giving. I have the first benchmark due this Friday of $2,000 on move-in day.
